i don't know how to explain this.....

I feel like someone has just punched me in the chest and knocked me out and just left me laying on the ground. i can't explain this feeling, all i know that is hurts so bad. i just really hope that 09 is better then 08 because i don't know how much more of this pain i can take. i guess i should of learned it when i was little that i can't get to close to someone because they just get ripped away....i don't even think that my heart is in one Piece anymore. i try to take life one day at a time and i try to make the best of it. i try to distracted myself from all this pain but it just seems to creep up on me when i least expect it.

i guess i haven't been much of a friend to some people and i feel guilty for it. It really bothers me that i don't see some of my friends that i used to see all the time. i don't know if its because i have changed or maybe its because i have been really busy. something i want to change in 09.
But it really hits you that you lost people when you realize that you are sitting at home on New years Eve and no one is around. but its probably the fact that i had to work till 11 stupid snow..but you know what i don't even care it kept me busy so i don't have to sit on my couch and think about how i have no where to go.i am not going to sit here and list what i want to change for the new years its all in my mind.

maybe one day i will be able to let out of this anger and all this pain that i hold so deep down...i thought today was going to be it but i guess not maybe because it will take me all night and since i plowed for over 8 hours i think i am beat, maybe that will explain why i am shacking but who knows...


Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you

I listen to this lyrics because i think of a very special person that was in my life for a good two year almost three. this person was the only person in my whole life that has taken the pain away. and now i have lost them but i hope that i will never be forgotten because i will NEVER forget this person. i am going to look on the posative side and say that we will see each other on time...

i am due

I haven't wrote a happy blog in awhile i think i am due for one.
well i hope everyone had a good Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever you celebrate. =)
so today i was washing my hands and when i went to put soap in my hand and the soap sprayed all over my shirt seriously how does that happen??

lessons i have learned:

• don't play three soccer games in a row- why you may ask? well because i was driving home and i heard a knock and i thought it was a hobo knocking on my window but i was driving so that's not possible.
• Don't let Chris wrap your Christmas presents-why you ask? because he uses duck tape to wrap your present.
• If you are ever having a bad day watch this it will make you laugh..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=60og9gwKh1o

• my last lesson is don't leave you shoes where the bud bud can eat them because i want to put on of my shoes on yesterday and my laces where putted out..grrr so i have to spend the next 5 minutes putting my laces back on my shoes.

So we need a new remote for our TV because our remote broke a couple months ago and it takes us a while to find the Chanel. so by the time we find the Chanel we want the show is almost over it sucks.

So as i am writing this the dogs are fighting and they bite me by mistake like 10 time within like 5 minutes grrr thos puppy's.

well time for me to be fat going to get me some ice cream...yummy!

so out of reach...

So out of reach...
I look at the picture that I have of you on my wall
knowing that you are so out of reach
it makes me cry
I cry tears of hope
hoping that everything is alright
praying that when the time comes you didn't forget me


the open space...
I feel so alone and so empty.
My heart is so broken and torn apart.
The empty space is so raw that I feel like I am bleeding internally.
This space was filled a while ago but now is ripped open again.
It kills me knowing that you had nothing to do with this space that is left so open.



please hang in there....440 U Soo got this!!