so i haven't posted anything in awhile i have been writing things on here but not posting cuz it was to personal and no one read these anyways.
so i got into a car accident about two weeks ago so i haven't had a car since the accdient. i mean i can drive my moms vans so i still have a way to get around cuz my mom had surgery so she can't drive anyways but it not my jeep. i really miss my jeep. i haven't really had my jeep to long it just sucks that it had to happen to my jeep. well i was lucky that i had my jeep cuz if i still had my car i don't think that i wouold be here or hurt really bad. well everyone keeps telling me that i was lucky to walk away for it and that the tire on the back of my jeep saved me. well yes i was able to walk away with a nasty bruse and a couple scraps and wipelash. well now i have headaches that suck and i am getting a ct scan tuesday to find out why i get them. i will be really upset if whatever it is stops me from going on vacation with megan and i really hope that its not serious and i just want these pains to go away. i am not going to lie i am kinda scared. what keeps running through my head is what if i am not here tomarrow?? or this make me paralized if its not taken care of. right now is stopping me from doing what i like to do. i can't work to much or i am in serious pain. i can't ride my bike or run without it hurting FML. well i have been waiting for this vaction with megan for months now i am counting down the days. it would be nice to get away for a little while and nice to see megan. its been a rough couple a weeks. my mom had surgery on july first and it been hell cuz i have to do everything around the house and no one helps me. i try to do one thing and then someone yell come do this and do that. sometimes i want to sream i am one person i am no super hero i can't be in 5 places at once. there have been times where i just wanted to break down and start crying, but i can't. i don't understand why poeple in this house can't do thing on thier own. sometime i wish i was dead so that they couldn't ask me to do everything for them. i want to go back to school so that i can get away but i don't want to have to deal with peoples shit excpet for the people that give back what i give them. i really need to get a job..i work with my brother but i don't work as much as i would like to my brother got me a job of watering this ladys flower and i do it every other day and i get $10 a day with i guess is alittle money but i think i am going to need to get another job cuz i am getting low on money. maybe i can get a babysitting job or make i can work at night at a store or a resturant. i am going to need to find a job at school also. this fall is going to be hell cuz i am taking 18 credits and running xc and try and get a job and still have time with freinds and my b/f and do rugby when i can. speacking of xc i want to be really good this year but i am getting so discurged cuz i can't run with my neck. plau when i am ok to run i can't run that far. the only thing that i am really proud of that i have been doing is riding my bike and going a good amount of miles.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
things to think about
i have been thinking lately how people change.....
some change for the good and others for the worse.
some people need others to help them through stuff.
some people might even to take medication to help them be happy.
but whatever you do if you change.
don't change for no one but yourself.
what people do when they get mad
some people drink there problems away.
some people punch things.
some people cut themselves till they bleed.
some people go for walks or even drive.
most of these are not healthy things to do when you get mad but sometimes people can't control the way they act when they get mad.
always remember if you do something that someone doesn't want you to do and you know that the person is not happy with you because they give you the look of disappointment. this look plays over in you head because you have disappointed people your whole life that the look is something that you have seen before but when you disappoint a person that is close to you it not easy getting the trust back. you wait for the person to walk away or leave the room and you just lose it. the tears fall like rain.
its not easy to know that is some ways you can be selfish and you never thought of it that way until someone brings it up. you try to brush it off and tell yourself the past is the past. you sit there in silence wondering how you can speak a word knowing that this person doesn't like something about you. something that you might not be able to control. and yet again you wait for them to leave so you can let your tears fall knowing that your a disappointment.
i was told today that if i wasn't a pain then someone wouldn't be here, i don't think that i was ever told that me being annoying can be a good thing sometimes.
so i have come to realize something today and for a while there are people that i throw my life into there hands and they listen to me bitch and wine. but i don't think that they feel like they can do that with me?? i am hoping that sooner or later i won't have to dump my issues on people and then i can the person that they can lean on. i want to go back to the good listener i used to be.
i am working on not letting people walk all over me and for the most part things are getting a lil better and i think some people notice a good changed in me..hopefully there will be more in the past..
well peace out i am going to nighty night
some change for the good and others for the worse.
some people need others to help them through stuff.
some people might even to take medication to help them be happy.
but whatever you do if you change.
don't change for no one but yourself.
what people do when they get mad
some people drink there problems away.
some people punch things.
some people cut themselves till they bleed.
some people go for walks or even drive.
most of these are not healthy things to do when you get mad but sometimes people can't control the way they act when they get mad.
always remember if you do something that someone doesn't want you to do and you know that the person is not happy with you because they give you the look of disappointment. this look plays over in you head because you have disappointed people your whole life that the look is something that you have seen before but when you disappoint a person that is close to you it not easy getting the trust back. you wait for the person to walk away or leave the room and you just lose it. the tears fall like rain.
its not easy to know that is some ways you can be selfish and you never thought of it that way until someone brings it up. you try to brush it off and tell yourself the past is the past. you sit there in silence wondering how you can speak a word knowing that this person doesn't like something about you. something that you might not be able to control. and yet again you wait for them to leave so you can let your tears fall knowing that your a disappointment.
i was told today that if i wasn't a pain then someone wouldn't be here, i don't think that i was ever told that me being annoying can be a good thing sometimes.
so i have come to realize something today and for a while there are people that i throw my life into there hands and they listen to me bitch and wine. but i don't think that they feel like they can do that with me?? i am hoping that sooner or later i won't have to dump my issues on people and then i can the person that they can lean on. i want to go back to the good listener i used to be.
i am working on not letting people walk all over me and for the most part things are getting a lil better and i think some people notice a good changed in me..hopefully there will be more in the past..
well peace out i am going to nighty night
Saturday, February 14, 2009
a big jumble..
This was written a couple days ago...but not posted until now..these are the thoughts and they might not make sense.but i needed to write them down. and blog you don't talk back so i am telling you.but its the past and now is the future..its a new day..A new beginning
I told you that i was OK..
I let you walk away..
I knew that you knew why i left our conversation..
I could see it in your eyes when i came back..
I couldn't look at you..
All i could do is stair into space or look at the wall in front of me..
I could have gone in your room to tell you i wasn't OK..
But i was in fear of what would happen..
I knew that you weren't OK..
But i was selfish and let you walk away..
I wanted to see if you were OK...
I wanted to be there for you
But i couldn't
I was trap in my own mind..
My own pain..
My own tears..
(I hope you will forgive me after all we are the same person..)
I told you that i was OK..
I let you walk away..
I knew that you knew why i left our conversation..
I could see it in your eyes when i came back..
I couldn't look at you..
All i could do is stair into space or look at the wall in front of me..
I could have gone in your room to tell you i wasn't OK..
But i was in fear of what would happen..
I knew that you weren't OK..
But i was selfish and let you walk away..
I wanted to see if you were OK...
I wanted to be there for you
But i couldn't
I was trap in my own mind..
My own pain..
My own tears..
(I hope you will forgive me after all we are the same person..)
Friday, January 30, 2009
i just wanted to say....
Happy Birthday Daddy i love you, and i miss you, but i know that you are yup there watching over me. i hope that you have a great birthday and if i score a goal at my game its going to be for you...maybe i can bend it like beckham again...just for u =)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!!!! I LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!!!! I LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH
Friday, January 23, 2009
you make me feel little
i would just like to ask you a question before i begin:
DO I HAVE THE WORD MAKE FUN OF ME ON MY FACE??
i was just wondering because i didn't think i did. but why do people feel the need to make fun of everything i do?? Its getting old.
I am really getting sick of just taking your shit and not even sticking up for myself i have trouble doing that i have had trouble doing that since i was little.
I am really sick of people not believing in me, seriously if you don't like what i am doing tell me once don't remind me every time you see me. Like i don't get why everyone cares that i don't eat meat anymore serious just worry about your life if i die it then its my fault. you don't need to stick pizza in my face that has meat on it seriously are we 2 or maybe its cause you so fucking spoiled that you never were told that you do things wrong because YOU do. just because the rest of the room didn't stick up for me and just sat there and laugh doesn't mean it was a good idea. And for of you people that didn't think it was going to last a week well guess what its been a week and now you can shut you mouth and get a life. i don't think me not eating meat has anything to do with me being stupid so unless i did anything to you then i don't think you have the right to call me stupid..i though that i had true friends at school but i guess i don't cause if you were a true Friend or for that matter a true boyfriend you wouldn't doubt what i do. But thank god i have one person that believe that i can do it. thanks, And for everyone information i wanted to do this on my own other people didn't influence me to not eat meat. My WHOLE life i have been picked on and seriously who gives a shit that i am shy and quite like seriously why is it such a big deal. Why do i have to prove people wrong why can't you just believe in me. It hurts when people don't believe in me. People wonder why i never have confidence in myself. while its because my WHOLE life no one EVER believed in me. Once i found that one person Believe in me enough and told me that i should prove everyone wrong and go to college.....then they got taken away. i just want to say thanks to this one person because if it wasn't for them i wouldn't be getting somewhere in life and doing well in college or in college at that matter. I thank god that this person is in my life and this person will NEVER be forgotten. Now that i have made it into college and have a GPA of 3.10 now i need to prove to one of my professor that this semester i can keep my GPA up because apparently because i don't have him for a professor this semester that my GPA is going to go down. Its going to be hard because i have four hard classes and a job now but i think that i can do it, for once does anyone believe that i can do it??
Side Note: if anyone decides making fun of me is a good idea. just warning you, i am done being nice.
If you believe in me i can do some pretty cool things for Example last night at my game people wanted to see me bend the ball into the goal on a corner kick.
well Lady's and Gentlemen.......................I BENT IT LIKE BECKHAM!! =)
DO I HAVE THE WORD MAKE FUN OF ME ON MY FACE??
i was just wondering because i didn't think i did. but why do people feel the need to make fun of everything i do?? Its getting old.
I am really getting sick of just taking your shit and not even sticking up for myself i have trouble doing that i have had trouble doing that since i was little.
I am really sick of people not believing in me, seriously if you don't like what i am doing tell me once don't remind me every time you see me. Like i don't get why everyone cares that i don't eat meat anymore serious just worry about your life if i die it then its my fault. you don't need to stick pizza in my face that has meat on it seriously are we 2 or maybe its cause you so fucking spoiled that you never were told that you do things wrong because YOU do. just because the rest of the room didn't stick up for me and just sat there and laugh doesn't mean it was a good idea. And for of you people that didn't think it was going to last a week well guess what its been a week and now you can shut you mouth and get a life. i don't think me not eating meat has anything to do with me being stupid so unless i did anything to you then i don't think you have the right to call me stupid..i though that i had true friends at school but i guess i don't cause if you were a true Friend or for that matter a true boyfriend you wouldn't doubt what i do. But thank god i have one person that believe that i can do it. thanks, And for everyone information i wanted to do this on my own other people didn't influence me to not eat meat. My WHOLE life i have been picked on and seriously who gives a shit that i am shy and quite like seriously why is it such a big deal. Why do i have to prove people wrong why can't you just believe in me. It hurts when people don't believe in me. People wonder why i never have confidence in myself. while its because my WHOLE life no one EVER believed in me. Once i found that one person Believe in me enough and told me that i should prove everyone wrong and go to college.....then they got taken away. i just want to say thanks to this one person because if it wasn't for them i wouldn't be getting somewhere in life and doing well in college or in college at that matter. I thank god that this person is in my life and this person will NEVER be forgotten. Now that i have made it into college and have a GPA of 3.10 now i need to prove to one of my professor that this semester i can keep my GPA up because apparently because i don't have him for a professor this semester that my GPA is going to go down. Its going to be hard because i have four hard classes and a job now but i think that i can do it, for once does anyone believe that i can do it??
Side Note: if anyone decides making fun of me is a good idea. just warning you, i am done being nice.
If you believe in me i can do some pretty cool things for Example last night at my game people wanted to see me bend the ball into the goal on a corner kick.
well Lady's and Gentlemen.......................I BENT IT LIKE BECKHAM!! =)
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
the things i dread
well first off i don't really want to go back to school..but Jen made a good point today that i have wed and Fridays off and i can come home whenever i want to....good thing that i have ppl at home that would welcome me home anytime and love me...i have Megan at school which is a good thing cuz if i didn't i don't know what would happen. but i guess one more semester and then i am done with Mitchell. Then CCSU!!
i don't know why but for the past couple days i have been mad/ sad and i don't even know why.. i should be happy because things are some what back to normal..
i really do dread going to the doctor which i might have to if i can't move my left arm over my head in a couple days...but i am trying to tough it out because when i get hurt everyone makes a big deal out of it and it just pisses me off like i told my mom we only live ones and if i die snowboarding at least i die doing something fun and die while with someone close to me and being happy. I really hate being unhappy because i know that there are people out in the world that have it a thousand time worse then i do.
i have been thinking a lot lately about almost everything....and its eats me away cuz my thinking goes into my sleeping, i have nightmares and wake up a thousand times a night. i just want to have one night where i sleep through the night...
on a happy note:
a week from Friday is my daddy's b-day!!
i am getting contacts =)
i love snowboarding!!
i have a job even tho its not many hours but its money right?
we have a soccer game Friday YAY!! i love soccer
side note: i went snowboarding for my first time on Sunday and i had so much fun i got a Lil hurt but nothing Advil can't fix, it was worth it and i def want to go again..(thanks Big Sis you are great teacher.)
well its bed time i have to get up and do stuff tomorrow and then go back to school but on the bright side i will be back for my soccer game on Friday..
i don't know why but for the past couple days i have been mad/ sad and i don't even know why.. i should be happy because things are some what back to normal..
i really do dread going to the doctor which i might have to if i can't move my left arm over my head in a couple days...but i am trying to tough it out because when i get hurt everyone makes a big deal out of it and it just pisses me off like i told my mom we only live ones and if i die snowboarding at least i die doing something fun and die while with someone close to me and being happy. I really hate being unhappy because i know that there are people out in the world that have it a thousand time worse then i do.
i have been thinking a lot lately about almost everything....and its eats me away cuz my thinking goes into my sleeping, i have nightmares and wake up a thousand times a night. i just want to have one night where i sleep through the night...
on a happy note:
a week from Friday is my daddy's b-day!!
i am getting contacts =)
i love snowboarding!!
i have a job even tho its not many hours but its money right?
we have a soccer game Friday YAY!! i love soccer
side note: i went snowboarding for my first time on Sunday and i had so much fun i got a Lil hurt but nothing Advil can't fix, it was worth it and i def want to go again..(thanks Big Sis you are great teacher.)
well its bed time i have to get up and do stuff tomorrow and then go back to school but on the bright side i will be back for my soccer game on Friday..
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
smile
I am the happiest person right now and i have the biggest smile on my face and it feels amazing...i just thought everyone would like to know =)
now back to studying for my exam that i have tomarrow
also i would like to point out that chris's b-day is on friday Yay!
now back to studying for my exam that i have tomarrow
also i would like to point out that chris's b-day is on friday Yay!
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