i don't know how to explain this.....

I feel like someone has just punched me in the chest and knocked me out and just left me laying on the ground. i can't explain this feeling, all i know that is hurts so bad. i just really hope that 09 is better then 08 because i don't know how much more of this pain i can take. i guess i should of learned it when i was little that i can't get to close to someone because they just get ripped away....i don't even think that my heart is in one Piece anymore. i try to take life one day at a time and i try to make the best of it. i try to distracted myself from all this pain but it just seems to creep up on me when i least expect it.

i guess i haven't been much of a friend to some people and i feel guilty for it. It really bothers me that i don't see some of my friends that i used to see all the time. i don't know if its because i have changed or maybe its because i have been really busy. something i want to change in 09.
But it really hits you that you lost people when you realize that you are sitting at home on New years Eve and no one is around. but its probably the fact that i had to work till 11 stupid snow..but you know what i don't even care it kept me busy so i don't have to sit on my couch and think about how i have no where to go.i am not going to sit here and list what i want to change for the new years its all in my mind.

maybe one day i will be able to let out of this anger and all this pain that i hold so deep down...i thought today was going to be it but i guess not maybe because it will take me all night and since i plowed for over 8 hours i think i am beat, maybe that will explain why i am shacking but who knows...


Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you

I listen to this lyrics because i think of a very special person that was in my life for a good two year almost three. this person was the only person in my whole life that has taken the pain away. and now i have lost them but i hope that i will never be forgotten because i will NEVER forget this person. i am going to look on the posative side and say that we will see each other on time...

i am due

I haven't wrote a happy blog in awhile i think i am due for one.
well i hope everyone had a good Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever you celebrate. =)
so today i was washing my hands and when i went to put soap in my hand and the soap sprayed all over my shirt seriously how does that happen??

lessons i have learned:

• don't play three soccer games in a row- why you may ask? well because i was driving home and i heard a knock and i thought it was a hobo knocking on my window but i was driving so that's not possible.
• Don't let Chris wrap your Christmas presents-why you ask? because he uses duck tape to wrap your present.
• If you are ever having a bad day watch this it will make you laugh..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=60og9gwKh1o

• my last lesson is don't leave you shoes where the bud bud can eat them because i want to put on of my shoes on yesterday and my laces where putted out..grrr so i have to spend the next 5 minutes putting my laces back on my shoes.

So we need a new remote for our TV because our remote broke a couple months ago and it takes us a while to find the Chanel. so by the time we find the Chanel we want the show is almost over it sucks.

So as i am writing this the dogs are fighting and they bite me by mistake like 10 time within like 5 minutes grrr thos puppy's.

well time for me to be fat going to get me some ice cream...yummy!

so out of reach...

So out of reach...
I look at the picture that I have of you on my wall
knowing that you are so out of reach
it makes me cry
I cry tears of hope
hoping that everything is alright
praying that when the time comes you didn't forget me


the open space...
I feel so alone and so empty.
My heart is so broken and torn apart.
The empty space is so raw that I feel like I am bleeding internally.
This space was filled a while ago but now is ripped open again.
It kills me knowing that you had nothing to do with this space that is left so open.



please hang in there....440 U Soo got this!!

waking up

waking up in a cold sweat and a pain that you can't explain...
breathing heavy and tears streaming down your face...
you have no idea what is causing this unbearable pain...
you try to open your eyes but all you can see is darkness...
you try to take a deep breath but you can't...
you try to tell yourself you will be OK but your to scared...
you try to scream but nothing comes out...
you try to run but something is holding you back...
The pain gets worse, as you make a fist...
Tears start to flow faster...




this is not done i am just to tired to finsh..

grrr...

i just hate it when i turn around and the puppy's have my shoe or something of mine in there month so u take it away and then you go back to what you are doing and then you turn around again and they found the thing that you took away from them. Another thing that get me mad is i was wearing a new sweat shirt today and i bet buddy outside and i go to wipe his paws off because he sit nicely on the deck and then as i go to grab his paw he jumps in my face and get mud all over my new sweat shirt gahhh i just wanted to kill him but you can't because after he did that he just looked up at me with this i am cute don't hate me face. If you think that is funny wait till you here this: i walk into my living room and i get hit in the face with a sock that came from Buddy's mouth. so not only was i surprised that he flung a sock at me i was also grossed out because it had slobber on it..speaking of being grossed out as i was typing this Lilly decided that she wanted to throw up the paper towel she eat..WHY DO DOG FEEL THE NEED TO EAT THINGS THAT ARE NOT FOOD??


SO my printer broke about a week ago and like always thing break at the wrong time. i had two papers that needed to be printer out. well you might ask how it broke i have no idea i just turned it on one day and it started making weird nosies and they were really loud even Megan heard in her room and she lives two doors down. well anyways yesterday when i was trying to put something on my bulletin board i dropped it and guess where it went??? you guesses right in my printer. oh not to mention it was a pin form the met. well i manged to get it out but like the dumb ass i am i dropped it again and this time it went all the way in so i yelled to Megan...

Megan:what

Me:umm i dropped my pin in the printer

Megan: well take it out

Me: ummm i can't

Megan:why not

Me: its.....inside of it

Megan: you michtard, well turn it upside down

so we did that and still to this day it is in my printer, i guess we need to take it apart.

But really who drops a pin in their printer seriously??

thats all for now, check back later for updates

sometimes i ask myself...

sometimes i ask myself way we live the lives that we have..but i do know that we have the life that we live for a reason....but sometimes it just sucks
i wonder what my life would be like if i still had my dad still in my life?


In the last couple days i have noticed a change in me that i never seen in myself before..i won't cry in front of people anymore..i don't know why but i would rather be in pain then to cry and just let it all out. i had a conversation with my mom on Sunday night..and she told me that it was OK for me to cry and i told her i couldn't. my mom was scared just listening to me breath and not saying anything. she was online so i typed my answers through the computer instead of answering on the phone.

i also noticed that i go into these angry fits...they scare me more then anything..i had three of them over the weekend-i forgot to mention they come randomly mostly when i am sleeping and then i wake up. these fits are a blast of anger, and i hyperventilated and just burst out crying. i also have come to realize that there are a few people that i feel comfortable crying in front of. i love u guys to no end and i really don't know what i would do if i lost you guys. Like i said above that things happen for a reason i do believe that the Friends i have today. I believe they are in my life so that we could help each other fight through all the shit that we go through day in and day out. It amazes me sometimes what we put ourselves through just to make sure that one of us is OK, or to keep a friendship.


i really hate hurting like i do really wish that it would go away and i have talk to my mom about things have happen to me in the past and the same thing happened to her and she told me that it took her 18 year for her to trying get over it...is it really going to take that long?? i hope not she told me that my dad helped her get over it. i told her that i feel comfortable around my b/f except for when i get these feelings sometimes it gets to the point where i don't want him near me or to even hug me and i hate it....and when i am by myself at college the only way that i can make them go away is sleep...

so i come back to school on Sunday and walk into a fight between one of my roomies and a girl next door. i don't know how this all started but i do know that it ended with three people gaining up on one person. i figured that it wasn't my place to stick up for anyone because i truly didn't know the story. After i found out what really happened and why they were fighting i figured that i would stay neutral but be there for Rebecca because she is my roommate. I also i realized that me and Megan are the only ones that can make fun of Rebecca but it anyone else does then i get pissed because we joke around with her to her face and if we know when to stop and i have asked her many times if we bother her and she said that most of the time she is laughing with us.

but anyways enough sad stuff...so for my homework for my photo class we had to take pictures of feet can i just tell you that feet are the ugliest things ever!! well mine are. and i was telling Megan that i had to take pictures of my feet and Rebecca was in the room and she was like take pic of my feet and i was like your feeties ( this comes up in spell check as fetus haha) look like a fishie and she laughed.

random thought: so i was in my b/f car and he looked over at me just looking out the window and i noticed that he looked over and i told him that it is amazing the random things i think of and he was like well what u thinking about and i told him that i was thinking about who made a tampon and what they would come up with next.

7 days till turkey day break woohoo!

my propose in life

the one thing that i want to do in life is i really want to talk to people about being sexually assaulted and cutting and i really want to kinda do the pay it forward thing..i want someone to be able to say that i made a difference in there life. I don't care if everyone hates me my whole life i just want one person to able to say that i did that one thing to make a change in there life. I may have already did that for that one person but all i am hoping is that they can make a difference in someone Else's life and it can some how change the world. There is one person that i really want to help make a change in their life i want this person to know that i love them with all my heart and i wish that this person would just believe in themselves do what they want to do in life. This person has potential to get really far in life but i really don't think that they think that they will maybe they do but from what i see this person doesn't give themselves enough credit.

If there is one thing that i could fix i think that i would want to fix some of my friendships. I have been alone and very angry lately. being alone in a room is probably one of the scares things for me sometimes. i don't think that you should be scared of yourself but i am. The one thing that i am the most scared of is the weekend coming up..i don't want to be alone but idk if i really want to be around anyone. just the thought of that makes me scared and messes with my breathing.

the more and more i think about it i do not like spoiled people..they piss me off. You can be spoiled and not brag about it but it seems to me that most (i said most not all) spoiled people need to let everyone know that they get everything. I told one of my roommate today that they wouldn't be able to live one day in my shoes because i have to work for my money and i need to pay for things that most kids don't have to pay for and to tell u the truth most kids would hate it but i really like it because when its time for me to enter the real world it won't be that difficult, don't get me wrong sometime i hate it because i get jealous of the fact that most of my Friends have don't have to pay for college.

i just watch this clip on YouTube that inspired me so much. it proves that things are not imposable and you can do anything that you put your mind to.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtweZxNGk1Y

now after watching that think about people in your life that you may have just walked by them while they were having a hard time because you felt that your life was so much harder..i will admit that i have done that. So next time you see someone having a hard time even if you feel like you are having a hard time to just take that one second to ask them if they are OK or if they need help sometimes it makes all the difference in the world to have someone listen to you and every once in a while it might make things better for you. so I have a task for you next time you see someone that looks down or upset just take the one minute out of your life and just smile and say hi to them. that one smile shows them that someone does care and you may even have saved that person's life.


**On a Happy Note: for the people that know Rebecca my suite mate well yesterday she was getting her pace maker checked and last time she set the fire alarm off and deactivated the Internet in Yarnell well yesterday she did it in our room and she didn't deactivate the Internet and she didn't set the fire alarm off..ha ha this is a big accomplishment for her..ha ha

the mind at work

so its not everyday that a shelf full of trophys falls on you, well that happen to me today i was just laying on my bed and it fell. now how and why it fell we will never know. but if you all are wondering i made it out ok...
On top of the shelf falling on me, yesturday i triped over the dog gate and i flew to the ground face first..it was kinda funny but not so funny when i hit the ground. After i made it safely to the ground with out so broken bones my puppys came over and stepped all over me..
So last night i went trick or treating with one of my favs and i was so disapointed when i found out that i had a bag full of nasty butterfingers also we didn't get much candy in general. People are so rude these days they told my lil sis that she was an ugly graduate HOW RUDE and a rondom lady told another one of my freinds that she looked like a Condom (she was just wearing a sweat shirt with a hood) who does this lady think she is??
On a happier note it is mine and chris's one month damm that month went by soo fast. i give him mad props for staying/dealing with my bull shit.
Random questions
1)can ADD rub off on another person??
2)What M&M stand for? i always wanted to know.
3) why do we have to have season? why can't it be warm all the time??
4) who came up with the name pillow?? what kind of name is pillow? but i guess u can ssay that about a lot of things like fork, spoon, tolet? i guess we will never know
5) why do we have B.O?? i know the real reason but why does our sweat have to smell gross i really don't think that it is nessacery but thats my opinon.
6) who called sleep, sleep?
7) who came up with the name dinner and why?
there are so many thing that i wonder on a daily basis my minds goes in so many direction sometime i wonder where my rondoms thoughs come from and why i have them.

well it is past my bed time so i am going to bed

Oh before i forget turn ur clocks back tonight....don't forget!!