sometimes i ask myself...

sometimes i ask myself way we live the lives that we have..but i do know that we have the life that we live for a reason....but sometimes it just sucks
i wonder what my life would be like if i still had my dad still in my life?


In the last couple days i have noticed a change in me that i never seen in myself before..i won't cry in front of people anymore..i don't know why but i would rather be in pain then to cry and just let it all out. i had a conversation with my mom on Sunday night..and she told me that it was OK for me to cry and i told her i couldn't. my mom was scared just listening to me breath and not saying anything. she was online so i typed my answers through the computer instead of answering on the phone.

i also noticed that i go into these angry fits...they scare me more then anything..i had three of them over the weekend-i forgot to mention they come randomly mostly when i am sleeping and then i wake up. these fits are a blast of anger, and i hyperventilated and just burst out crying. i also have come to realize that there are a few people that i feel comfortable crying in front of. i love u guys to no end and i really don't know what i would do if i lost you guys. Like i said above that things happen for a reason i do believe that the Friends i have today. I believe they are in my life so that we could help each other fight through all the shit that we go through day in and day out. It amazes me sometimes what we put ourselves through just to make sure that one of us is OK, or to keep a friendship.


i really hate hurting like i do really wish that it would go away and i have talk to my mom about things have happen to me in the past and the same thing happened to her and she told me that it took her 18 year for her to trying get over it...is it really going to take that long?? i hope not she told me that my dad helped her get over it. i told her that i feel comfortable around my b/f except for when i get these feelings sometimes it gets to the point where i don't want him near me or to even hug me and i hate it....and when i am by myself at college the only way that i can make them go away is sleep...

so i come back to school on Sunday and walk into a fight between one of my roomies and a girl next door. i don't know how this all started but i do know that it ended with three people gaining up on one person. i figured that it wasn't my place to stick up for anyone because i truly didn't know the story. After i found out what really happened and why they were fighting i figured that i would stay neutral but be there for Rebecca because she is my roommate. I also i realized that me and Megan are the only ones that can make fun of Rebecca but it anyone else does then i get pissed because we joke around with her to her face and if we know when to stop and i have asked her many times if we bother her and she said that most of the time she is laughing with us.

but anyways enough sad stuff...so for my homework for my photo class we had to take pictures of feet can i just tell you that feet are the ugliest things ever!! well mine are. and i was telling Megan that i had to take pictures of my feet and Rebecca was in the room and she was like take pic of my feet and i was like your feeties ( this comes up in spell check as fetus haha) look like a fishie and she laughed.

random thought: so i was in my b/f car and he looked over at me just looking out the window and i noticed that he looked over and i told him that it is amazing the random things i think of and he was like well what u thinking about and i told him that i was thinking about who made a tampon and what they would come up with next.

7 days till turkey day break woohoo!